The internet sprawls seemingly endlessly and evolves rapidly. Depending on intent, it can be chaotic or immeasurably useful for all of us. In its most benevolent form, we use the internet for school, interpersonal connection, building and sustaining relationships, and dating. Yet, others’ malevolence or recklessness may make the internet a scary place. While the internet can have scary and unfamiliar corners, there are some tools and strategies we can use to make the internet a safer place, particularly when it comes to navigating romantic and sexual relationships in an online space.
Every year, a new social media platform is made available to us, with Snapchat, Instagram, and TikTok at the top of the list. We use these platforms to communicate with friends, but to also pursue or engage with romantic and sexual partners. Online safety, however, is not limited to our social media use. We need to better understand how we utilize the internet to connect and communicate with romantic or sexual partners.
The internet is a place to explore how to communicate romantically and sexually with prospective partners.
According to a recent study done by Alana Goldstein and Sarah Flicker, only 8% of teens have dated someone they met online, but over 50% of teens have engaged in online flirting behaviors. Flirting behaviors encompasses a wide range of behaviors, but they also found that 10% of teens reported sending flirty or sexy pictures.
Goldstein and Flicker refer to this behavior as “sexting,” or sending revealing images online. Although their work reports 10% of teens engaging in sexting, other studies suggest that the rates could be much higher. This study would suggest that most of us either engages in or knows somebody who engages in this type of online flirting behavior.
Sending flirty or sexy pictures has shown to be a prevalent part of the online experience for most young people. Goldstein and Flicker suggest that “the relative anonymity of the Internet seems to bolster these kinds of casual attitudes” towards dating and online communication with partners. This perceived sense of anonymity can embolden us to engage in more risky behavior, whether that’s sharing a risqué picture or engaging in sexualized conversations, without fear of it impacting us IRL. While we often feel a sense of anonymity behind the shield of our screen, there isn’t a true separation between the online world and the physical world, which presents ramifications for both spaces and highlights the need to implement safe behaviors.
Definitions
Before we get into tips for encouraging safe online behavior, let’s review some terms.
Askable adult:
Judgment free, approachable adults who can act as a resource to you. These adults should be people you feel comfortable confiding in, someone who affirms you and takes your concerns seriously.
Consent:
Consent means giving permission for something to happen between two or more people. Consent is ongoing, free from incapacitation (a state beyond drunkenness or intoxication), enthusiastic, clear, informed and voluntary (freely given). Consent is free from coercion or any attempt to turn somebody’s “no” into a “yes.”
Coercion:
Coercion is when somebody persuades somebody to do something they don’t want to do by using force or threats. It is meant to make someone yield to the wishes of another person, even if they have no desire to comply.
Parasocial Relationships:
A one-sided relationship between a media personality and a media user in which the illusion of a relationship is created on the part of the media user. A media user may have access to a media personality’s information that allows the media user to feel they have developed a relationship with the media personality. A parasocial relationship is not equal and not based on mutual trust between two people.
Sexting:
Sexting refers to sending, receiving, or forwarding messages (texts, emails, DMs, etc.) with sexual content. This can include sexual written content or sexual visual content, such as revealing pictures or videos.
Sexual Violence:
Sexual violence is an umbrella term to describe when someone experiences unwanted sexual activity without their consent. Sexual violence can include, stalking, sexual assault, sexual exploitation, rape, gender based violence, intimate partner violence and retaliation. Anyone can experience sexual violence at any time. Sexual Violence is a public health problem, not just the concern of the person who experiences sexual violence.
Safety Guidelines
Here are some tips to communicate online safety to teens and encourage them to navigate digital spaces responsibly.
Guard Personal Information
Don’t give out sensitive or personal information online, to anyone. It can often seem like the internet is a safe place to share information and you believe you can trust the person on the other side of the screen, but you can never be too careful.
Remember that what is said online does not always stay online and can have repercussions in your day-to-day life. To keep yourself safe, it is best to avoid giving out personal details online. Personal information includes:
- Where you go to school
- Your class or game schedule
- Your teachers’ names
- Any pictures that reveal your address
- Pictures of important documents
Remember to crop of edit pictures to prevent sharing private information.
Protect Your Boundaries
Block people you don’t know, or anyone that makes you uncomfortable online, and tell an askable adult about this unwanted contact.
You do not owe anyone anything! If somebody is repeatedly contacting you online in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, report this behavior to an askable adult and don’t be afraid to block the person from further contacting you.
Your personal boundaries are important! While it may feel scary to block someone online, your safety comes first. Preventing somebody who is pushing your personal boundaries and level of comfort from further contacting you will lower your levels of stress in the long run.
Letting an adult know may be scary, but askable adults in your life want to keep you safe and want what is best for you! Allow them to do their job and help keep you safe.
Listen To Your Gut!
You know yourself and your boundaries better than anyone. While it can be uncomfortable to voice your concern online or stand firm in your boundaries, you know when something feels off.
Listen to yourself! Reach out for help from an askable adult or a peer support line if an online relationship is taking a turn you did not expect or did not want.
Know the Law
Section 2256 of Title 18, United States Code, defines child pornography as any visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct involving a minor (someone under 18 years of age). Federal law prohibits the production, distribution, reception, and possession of an image of child pornography using or affecting any means or facility of interstate or foreign commerce.
Sexting, even if it is between two consenting minors, could lead to criminal and/or legal charges.
Be Aware Of Available Resources
Look for resources in your area, at your school, or in your community that are designed to help you when you find yourself in an unwanted situation online.
Practice digital literacy — utilize trusted and reputable resources.
Create Strong Passwords
It is important to use strong passwords when creating online accounts. A strong password is a password that would be difficult for an online program or another online user to guess and one that you have not recycled from other or past accounts.
In addition to a strong password, think carefully before choosing a verification security question. Don’t make the content of your security question something that would be easy to figure out about you or look up.
Practice Digital Respect
Don’t share pictures online that someone else sends you in confidence. If someone is sharing a photo with you online, don’t screenshot the content to send it to friends or post to a social media account.
Be Mindful of Privacy Settings
It is easy to dismiss the reminders we receive on our phones or computers, urging us to update our software. These updates are important because it keeps our technology up to date with the most recent security measures and privacy settings.
Be aware of location services. Many apps and online services will ask for permission to track your location. It is best to decline any attempts by online services to track your location, because we don’t want any contacts online to have access to where we are. Additionally, be mindful when posting photos online and tagging your location, or revealing where you are, while you are there.
Ultimately, online relationships can bring a lot of value to our lives, but we want to ensure those relationships feel safe and trustworthy, and are representative of who we are in the physical world. While online platforms can feel anonymous, there are accountability and protective measures that ensure that online platforms are safe places for everyone to communicate and express themselves. The internet is an incredible and powerful resource, allowing us to connect with people we may not otherwise get to know. Even though these relationships are taking place in the digital world and not the physical world, we still deserve to have relationships that feel safe and trustworthy. Trust your instincts and remember that you are not alone if relationships that were initiated online take a turn you did not expect or want. Try to identify adults in your life that are a safe place to go to when you need help or support. Don’t hesitate to reach out to askable adults in your lives if you are feeling unsafe and never shy away from expressing your boundaries online.
Mikey Panner is a senior at Tulane University studying Gender and Sexuality Studies and English. She is from Washington, DC and works at STAR as a Grants and Operations Intern.
Credited Sources:
Citizen’s Guide to U.S. Federal law on Child Pornography. (n.d.). https://www.justice.gov/criminal/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-pornography
Goldstein, Alanna, and Sarah Flicker. ““Some Things just Won’t Go Back”: Teen Girls’ Online Dating Relationships during COVID-19.” Girlhood Studies 13.3 (2020): 64–78. ProQuest. 22 Nov. 2023.
