A Survivor’s Story

Content warning: sexual assault, violence

STAR strives to provide a safe and supportive environment for survivors to share their stories. We have a portion of our website dedicated to these stories and a place for survivors to upload their stories. We recently received the following story from N, who asked that we share this publicly.

“While at work, I noticed a male who often tried to visit my professor/manager’s office. He would come into the office, get close to my face, smile, and ask for my professor. He did this for about a month. Finally, my professor was in his office and he and the male were speaking when my professor called me into his office. I was president of an on-campus organization, and my professor told me to arrange for the male to speak at one of the club meetings. The male provided his email and phone number. He agreed to speak at the meeting via phone and he eventually started talking to me daily. He was a physical therapist and, at that time, was in school to become one as well. We shared this commonality and often talked about common career interests and my hectic work and school schedule. However, I noticed many alarming things during that time. He often begged me to miss school and work for him, he did not approve of my friends and tried to sabotage friendships, he isolated me from family and friends, controlled my every move and what I wore, and made things official only after a few weeks. I often told him that I did not feel comfortable moving so fast and he disregarded and disrespected my wishes. He even threatened suicide and homicide if I spoke up again. He knew where I lived, I was alone in an unfamiliar city, what car I drove, where I went to school, and where I worked (both jobs). I was terribly afraid that one wrong move could have ended my life. A few days before the attack, he texted me begging to come to my apartment, he lived with his parents and never had anything of his own. I had worked all day and attended school so I did not want him over. However, I remembered how he threatened me and I was deeply afraid of his reaction if I said no. I told him that I had a doctor’s appointment and that I couldn’t see him that night. He immediately started questioning me about that. Later during the week, on November 8, 2019, he arrived at my apartment after stating he’d help me put together a dresser I purchased. Once he was inside the apartment, he lifted my dress up and started rubbing on my bottom. I restrained his hands and told him to stop. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the room, pulled me onto the bed, and forced his fingers into my vagina. Again, I restrained his hands and begged him to stop, and told him he was hurting me. He told me to, “Grow up!” I attempted to free myself and leave for help, but he continuously pulled my wrists until they were irritated and bruised. He forced my hands down his pants and made me touch his private part. Again, I retracted my hands and attempted to escape. He then pinned me back down, exposed my breasts, put his mouth on them, and ripped my dress. I again told him to stop. He again digitally penetrated me, smacked my bottom repeatedly until my skin was red, and threw me to the ground. I covered my face and body as I lay. I was afraid he was going to hurt me again. He stood me up, started thrusting his pelvis on me, shoved me down again, and left. I felt like I was going to die that night. At that moment, I felt powerless and defenseless. I knew from that moment on I never wanted to feel that way again. I completely banned him from coming over to my apartment. After the attack, I had a laceration on my forearm and bruised wrists that I photographed, but I was still alive. I thank God my life was spared. When my lease was up, I left the area where he attacked me and reunited with my family. I hadn’t felt safe in a while and when I was with them, I felt completely secure. If you or someone you know experienced or is currently experiencing intimate partner violence, please develop an escape plan. Leaving is the hardest and most fatal time for survivors. Please stay safe and God bless. Do not protect your abuser. Press charges every time and immediately.”

Survivors often disclose how isolating and stigmatizing the experience of sexual violence can be, which is why so many survivors decide to remain silent about their assaults. When survivors suffer in silence, healing, and closure are practically unattainable. Through the sharing of stories, survivors can learn that they are not alone. There is strength in numbers, and the more survivors speak out about the violence that was committed against them, the more the walls of shame and stigma surrounding survivors will begin to disintegrate.

If you or someone you love has experienced sexual violence, help is available. We, STAR, are a Louisiana-based sexual assault center. You can call our 24/7 hotline at 855–435-STAR. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center, or NSVRC, maintains a national directory of organizations.